Monday, June 26, 2006

Why is no one reading my fucking blog? I'm not interesting enough for you fucking people? What do I have to do? Juggle knives with my scrotum? Force feed priests their own excrement? What sort of jiggly pretense must I illuminate with my groin canon in order to captivate your squiggly cognizance?

FASHIONABLY APPLICABLE TOOL QUOTE!!!:

"Desensitized to everything! What became of subtlety?"

Everything is flowering arcane districts of neo-jargon pragmatism for the shit you wipe off the bottom of your shoes!!! Behold the power of multiple exclamation points!!!

Dear holy god, I sound like that moron Jhonen Vasquez. Must . . . regain . . . coherence . . .

BLLLLAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Comment on this fucking thing or I will kill you and then myself, you fucking twits/twats.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Mad Cow Disease--darling disease of conspiracy theorists the world over . . . .

It's cause is unknown and its presence is undetectible until its symptoms manifest. Some claim that in a few decades, when the disease catches up to us (it usually takes 10-20 years to effect you) there will be a pandemic and countless millions will lose their minds and then their lives.

Nevermind that there's no hard date whatsoever to support this; it's scary and it drives traffic to their websites. That's all that really matters. Human beings love doomsday scenarios and tend to make mad guesses at what the next terrifying disease will be, when and where the next horrific terrorist attack will occur, when the volcano will erupt, the tsunami will hit, the earthquake will strike.

I want to inject prions directly into my brains just to display to you
the extent of my not giving a fuck. Let's look at the two
possibilities here:

1. Mad Cow Disease is a pandemic that will cause millions to lose
thier minds and then their lives.

2. Mad Cow Disease is yet another bullshit doomsday scenarion in the
same vein a Y2K, SARS, Anthrax, Monkey Pox, Killer Bees, West Nile
Virus, etc.

If 1 is the case, then why stop eating beef now? I eat beef nearly
daily, so why stop only to find out 10 years from now that I've got it
anyway. Why lament all those hamburgers I missed out on? If I'm going tolose all my memories as my mind deteriorates, at least let them be memories of big, juicy steaks.

If 2 is the case then NO ONE should give a shit.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Bushe's supreme court recently ruled that police no longer have to knock or announce themsleves if they have warrant. This raises an interesting question: what's going to happen when someone mistakes a cop for a burglar and blows his ass away. Will the republicans defend the second ammendment or defend their disregard for the fourth?

Hopefully most departments will use this new ability conservatively. But since most departments still give chase to non-violent criminals, endangering civilians in the process, I doubt they possess the intelligence to manage such discretion.

It will be interesting when Roe VS. Wade goes back to the supreme court. They won't overturn it, of course. But they'll make it the discretion of the state. Then conservative states will outlaw abortion, and make laws that say that any citizen of their state that gets an abortion in another state is commiting a crime.

So, let's say someone from Kentucky goes to Ohio for an abortion and Kentucky issues a warrant for their arrest, but Ohio says, "Fuck you, Kentucky! That's not against the law here so we're not going to honor your warrant!"

To which Kentucky will reply, "Shove is up your ass, Ohio! We're not honoring any of your warrants either!"

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow.

Think with that shit going on. Just fucking try it. Let me know if your results are any better than mine. The stupid fucking cat that I don't even fucking like is in fucking heat and it keeps fucking meowing and I can't fucking think so I just keep modifying every fucking noun with fucking fucking god fucking damn it.

How did mankind ever domesticate cats? They're afraid of everything, the paranoid little fucks. It must have actually taken effort on the part of humanity to domesticate the cat. And for what? They serve no practical purpose other than to annoy the crap out of angsty guys with mantits who think their opinions are important.

Monday, June 12, 2006

The whole "GOD IS DEAD!" thing is done to death. I can't believe I have the energy to even make this argument anymore, but today I got into a theological debate and I managed to actually churn out a few paragraphs on why God is bullshit. Enjoy.

There is no supernatural. There is only the natural. If we prove that ghosts exist tomorrow, they just become part of our view of the natural world. And once ghosts are proven, ghosts are accepted as being just another part of this complex reality that we exist within. But to preemptively declare that ghosts exist before such evidence exists is madness.

And then I'm patronized with this "church of atheism" crap. If evidence of God was discovered and the whole scientific community accepted it, not on a personal level but and academic one, then I would give the idea its due consideration. However, nothing of the sort has surfaced and therefore being told "God is real! I just feel him . . . in my heart," is like being told, "Monkey's can fly when no one is looking! I can sense it . . . in my spleen."

And don't tell me that gaps in scientific knowledge prove the eixtence of God. Let me see if I can summarize that sentiment in a manner that reveals its insipidity: Human beings are ignorant of the workings of the universe, therefore a magical man lives in the sky and controls the cosmos.

Wow! It's so obvious now! I don't know how I didn't see it before! I'm so foolish for demanding evidence of things! You're right! Objects fall not because of gravity, but because God pulls them down—and if I question him, he will let go and I will fall up into space and explode, not because of pressure variations but because God puts bombs in your tummy if you go into space without a spacesuit.

1. You have no proof of God.

2. Even if God was proven, his nature would not be knowable. Therefore the discovery in and of itself would be, for the most part, inconsequential. Muslims would still think he was Allah. Christians would still think he was Jesus. Etc.

3.If God and his nature were both proven, then faith would no longer be a prerequisite to serving him.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Ann Coulter.

The Marilyn Manson of the right wing. She's shocking and controversial and politically incorrect and everyone seems to care what she has to say. On both sides of the fence, politicians and pundits are scrambling to distance themselves from her controversial take on the 9/11 widows becoming political activists.

Why the fuck does everyone care so much? Don't people realize that acting offended by her comments only makes it seem as though her opinion is valid to begin with? What exactly has this bitch done to make everyone care so much what she thinks (and not what she really thinks, so much as what she thinks will sell books)?

Liberals, as a former foot-solider in your ranks who still feels a little bit of a kinship with your misguided ideals, I feel it's my duty to inform you that this bitch is not to be taken seriously. When you hear what that "whacky" Mrs. Coulter said now, you shouldn't grit your teeth in anger, you should just tilt back your head, laugh, and go about your business.

Oh, and one more thing: can we please stop pretending she's hot? She's got an adam's apple. She was probably born Andrew Coulter.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Last night I was talking to a girl (relax, it was on the internet--I'm not getting a life, don't fret!) and she kept throwing all this pity my way. She kept saying she was sad for me and that she felt sorry for me because I'm so cold and emotionless.

I hate that condescending bullshit.

Just because I don't experience emotions in the same way as her and most other people I'm supposed to accept that I'm some lowly wretch to be pitied? Please, spare me your stupidity, ugly masses. Do you think that your passions make you worthy and righteous beings? If so, I've got some sour news to impart: the things that you cherish--love, passion, etc.--are the reason that you have failed, as a species, to progress beyond the aggression that has marked you as war-mongering monsters for thousands of years.

If all mankind were like me, there would be no war. What reason do enlightened beings have to fight idiotic wars? What conflicts could possibly arise that we would needlessly sacrifice thousands upon thousands of lives to see it resolved? Sure, a war would be possible, but I doubt it would be likely, and it would certaintly be less prevelant than it has been in your history.

So fuck you monkeys. Leave the pitying to me.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Blogs.

Who reads them? No one.

Who writes them? Everyone.

I guess it's human nature to expect people to give two licks of a toad's ass about our thoughts and opinions while being completely oblivious to theirs. One would think that, being aware of this situation, I would abstain from something as futile as creating a blog of my own, and indeed I have for many years--but my human side (my stupid, stupid human side) was bound to catch up with me and force me, quite against my will, to create this blog that you are (probably not) reading right now.

I don't know where exactly it will go from here. I could venture a guess: I'll write in it semi-regularly for about two weeks then forget it exists.

Anyway, that's all I have to say for now.